Wikipedia:Peer review/William S. Sadler/archive1

William S. Sadler

This peer review discussion has been closed.
This is now a good article and I'd like to try for featured status sooner or later. I'd particularly like feedback about prose and flow, and comments about NPOV would be welcomed, as well.

Thanks, Mark Arsten (talk) 02:07, 19 March 2012 (UTC)

Crisco 1492 comments

Text

Lede

• Possible confusion: "Sadler was influenced by some of Kellogg's views, and married his niece, Lena Celestia Kellogg." -- He married his own niece, or Kellog's rice crispies?
  • Didn't see that before, changed.

Early life and education

• "Although Samuel was a music teacher, he did not enroll his son in public schools." -- A music teacher could be private. I don't think this has enough of a connection for "although"
  • Good point, I tightened it up a bit.
• "... eventually recruited by a federal law enforcement agency (he did not accept their offer)." -- I'd expect a recruit to at least get training. Perhaps "he was scouted"?
  • Yes, I think you're right--my mistake.
• "Sadler operated the mission, and published a newspaper known as Life Boat Magazine..." -- Any indication why the newspaper was called a magazine?
  • lol, fixed.
• "The couple moved to San Francisco, California, in 1901, to attend medical school at Cooper Medical College." -- They both attended medical school? If you are going to bring her up, perhaps a footnote on her schooling?
  • Yeah, actually, I think she was the one who wanted to go to school the most--will try to expand on that.
• "... became an elder in the Adventist church. While in San Francisco, Sadler was active in the church, serving as the "superintendent of young people's work" for the church's California conference and the president of the San Francisco Medical Missionary and Benevolent Society." -- I'm assuming if he became an elder, he was active. Perhaps a way to make these two sentences read more smoothly?
  • Yes, that would be intuitive, wouldn't it. Removed some of the fluff.
• "In 1910, the couple traveled to Europe and studied psychiatry under Sigmund Freud in Vienna, Austria;" -- they both studied under Freud?
  • Yes, I think so, will double check.
• "However, Sadler believed that experiences individuals have as infants play a key role in their adult minds." -- "However" doesn't work particularly well here. Is it related to Freud's concepts, or is something else meant? Or perhaps "Unlike Freud, Sadler..."
  • Hmm, I think I use "However" too much. Tried to rephrase, not sure how well it reads now.

Career

• "... catering to 'women's and children's diseases'". -- Why the quotation marks?
  • I was paranoid about close paraphrasing :) changed.
• Perhaps a redlink for Columbus Hospital as Columbus Hospital
  • Done, I've noticed that our coverage of hospitals is pretty shoddy sometimes.
• "... the theories of Freud, Carl Jung, Alfred Adler, and Adolf Meyer." -- Why are you using last names only?
  • No reason really, I'm just used to saying "Freud and Jung", changed--oops, I just started copyediting this page by mistake...
• " In 1936, Sadler published Theory and Practice of Psychiatry, a 1,200 page work in which he attempted to provide a comprehensive outline of psychiatry." -- Seems out of place where you have it now.
  • Hmm, Ok, I put it back with his books.
• "It is the first steel-frame residence in Chicago." -- Jolting, past tense to present to past.
  • Good point, parenthesized it.
• "He authored magazine articles..." -- Any idea how many?

Urantia revelation

• "Although Sadler examined him for psychiatric problems, he was unable to find a satisfactory diagnosis..." -- Perhaps "Although Sadler examined the man for psychiatric problems, he was unable to make a satisfactory diagnosis..."
  • Sure, changed.
• "Sadler presumed that the documents were the product of automatic handwriting, but changed his mind after applying handwriting analysis." -- Why? Did the samples not match?
  • I would assume as much, Lewis and Gardner don't say why. Gardner mentions the speed at which it was written and the lack of fatigue in the man's arm, but also says that it matched the man's handwriting. I trimmed down the sentence a bit.
• "Although Sadler had left the Adventist church by the time The Urantia Book was published, the teachings of The Urantia Book are broadly consistent with some aspects of Adventist theology, such as soul sleep and annihilationism." -- Any way to avoid the repetition?
  • Took a stab at it, "Adventist" is still repeated though. Mark Arsten (talk) 17:15, 26 March 2012 (UTC)
• "Nevertheless, in 1950, the Urantia Foundation was established to promote The Urantia Book." -- Don't see a connection.
  • Removed.

Final years

• "In 1952, Sadler's final book was published. He authored another title, but his publisher declined to accept it and he decided to stop writing." -- Are the titles of either of these works available?
  • The first one is, I haven't been able to find the second. Mark Arsten (talk) 18:20, 26 March 2012 (UTC)
• "... although he lost an eye a few years before his death." -- How?
  • Neither source that mentions the loss of the eye says how really, just that it was "diseased".
    • That might be worth a mention.
• "The night before his death, he was visited by friends and family; he spoke to them of his confidence in a joyful life after death." -- Was he sickly? Did he expect to die?
  • He was in fairly good health, until he died :)

Reception

• "Gardner describes Sadler's life story as "riveting" and summarizes him as an "intelligent, gifted" person who proved to be astonishingly "gullible" about alleged supernatural revelations." -- Is "astonishingly" in the source?
  • Gardner mentions an "astonishing switch" later down the page so astonishing is in the source, but not part of that quote, I guess I should remove it.

Automated comments

• "While additive terms like “also”, “in addition”, “additionally”, “moreover”, and “furthermore” may sometimes be useful, overusing them when they aren't necessary can instead detract from the brilliancy of the article. This article has 19 additive terms, a bit too much."
• No dead links, no DABs.

Comprehensiveness

• Have you considered using primary sources like this, this, and this?
  • Very interesting, that might be a good external link to add.
• Perhaps a list of select works? JSTOR shows quite a few writings by Sadler.
  • Yes, the problem is that there are so many I wouldn't know which ones to use.
    • I'd put books and journal articles with at least so many citations (without looking further into it, I can't give a number). A couple of his writings seem to be heavily cited. Crisco 1492 (talk) 23:33, 26 March 2012 (UTC)
      • Yeah, I guess that's doable. Mark Arsten (talk) 00:01, 27 March 2012 (UTC)

References

• Books: Any reason to not include the location?
  • I usually don't, since they're not a requirement.
• Myerson - doi?
  • That's a real old journal article, so I'm not sure if a doi is assigned to it.
• Hickok - Looks odd if this is the only one with the date in a different location.
  • Yeah, that's just a quirk of the template. If there is an author's name available it puts the date in a different place than if there is no author listed.

Images

• Images seem unequivocally PD and well licensed.
• Suggestions for more images: full body shot
  • That does look, good, I'll add it in.