Wikipedia:Peer review/Magnum Rolle/archive1

Add links
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Magnum Rolle[edit]

Toolbox
Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch • Watch peer review

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I eventually want to take it to FA but the prose might need some tweaking.

Thanks, ~EDDY (talk/contribs/editor review)~ 23:16, 6 September 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Finetooth comments: This is broad in coverage and pretty well-done. It isn't quite ready for FAC. I made many small proofing changes as I went, and I doubt that I caught everything. Another proofing sweep would be a good idea. Here are some other comments and questions as well:

  • The table in the High school and prep school section seems unnecessary. In addition, it includes direct links to web sites outside of Wikipedia, and this is a Manual of Style no-no. WP:ELPOINTS has details.
    • The table is common for college basketball articles. The direct external links fall under the category of references. ~EDDY (talk/contribs/editor review)~ 00:53, 20 September 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • The image licenses look OK to me, and so do the refs except that the multiple red links to newspapers is distracting. I don't think you need to link the newspapers or publishers at all. Even when the links are not red, the blue ones create a sea of blue of limited usefulness.

Lead

  • "His coach at St. George's High School, Darrel Sears, bribed him with fried chicken to teach Rolle the fundamentals of basketball." - Is that detail important enough to include in the lead? It might give undue weight to something that makes Rolle look a bit silly.
  • "and was forced to redshirting the 2007–08 season" - Maybe "and was forced to redshirt the 2007–08 season"? I believe it's OK to use "redshirt" as a verb.

Early life

  • " He can trace his ancestry to freed slaves and is a distant cousin of NFL players" - Spell out and abbreviate on first use.

High school and prep school career

Sophomore

  • "The Tigers finished the year 17–15 and 5–11 in SEC play, disappointing considering their preseason projection." - It would be good to say who considered it disappointing; otherwise it sounds like Wikipedia considered it disappointing.
  • "Former high school coach Darrel Sears said Rolle was unhappy with LSU since December 2006, and Brady had been making snide comments for a while. " - Maybe "said Rolle had been unhappy with LSU after December 2006"? Also, "snide comments" about whom? Could you make this more specific?

Junior

  • "Rolle badly fell on his hip early in the game" - Awkward. Maybe "Rolle fell and injured his hip early in the game"?

Senior

  • "home opener against UALR" - Spell out and abbreviate on first use? Ditto for UCLA above and any others not spelled out on first use?
  • "in which he also grabbed 10 boards" - "Rebounds" rather than "boards", which outsiders may not understand?

2010 NBA Draft

  • Do you need to include NBA in the subhead since the head already specifies NBA? Should "draft" be lowercase?
  • "said that Rolle had a good wingspan and was very athletic" - "Wingspan" might not be understood by everyone. Could it be linked to something, or would "arm reach" or something else be more clear?

Indiana Pacers

  • "Although he has not been signed yet, Pacers owner Larry Bird mentioned the team wished to retain Rolle." - When is "yet"?

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog at WP:PR; that is where I found this one. I don't usually watch the PR archives or check corrections or changes. If my comments are unclear, please ping me on my talk page. Finetooth (talk) 19:31, 14 August 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Ruhrfisch comments: Thanks for your work on this, here are some suggestions for improvement. Here are a few thoughts.

  • There are some images of him on Flickr, but none are freely licensed. Have you tried asking anyone there to release any of their photos under a free license?
  • In the lead, I would give at least the state for the Laurinburg Institute
  • Awkward sentence Rolle's season high in rebounds (10) and points (8) while shooting 4-of-8 from the field helped lead LSU past Nicholls State on November 21. I owuld put the date earlier, perhaps something like On November 21, Rolle helped lead LSU past Nicholls State, while making his season high in rebounds (10) and points (8), and shooting 4-of-8 from the field.
  • Need to explain what happened to Tyrus Thomas (assume he left the team, perhaps for graduation or to go to the NBA?) in Coming into the 2006–07 season, the Tigers returned four starters, including Glen "Big Baby" Davis, and LSU fans hoped that Rolle would replace the shot blocking of Tyrus Thomas [, who had ... graduated? left for the NBA? been abduscted by aliens?].
  • I am not sure what this means and it is rough Former high school coach Darrel Sears said Rolle was unhappy with LSU since December 2006, and Brady had been making snide comments about him for a while. How about Sears, his former high school coach, said Rolle had been unhappy with LSU since December 2006... I am not sure who Brady had been making snide comments about (him is a bit unclear - assume it is Rolle)
  • I would use his name and not "He" to start the first sentence of the 2010 NBA Summer League section
  • Assuming it is a newspaper, The Bahamas Tribune needs to be italicized.
  • Could the starting date of the regular 2010 NBA season be added?
  • I am not a writer of sports articles - this looks decent to me, though a bit stats heavy. There is relatively little on his playing style - could more be added on that? I also am not sure how to handle his NBA career, since it has not yet started (at least in terms of the regular season). Refs look OK to me.

Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Wikipedia:Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). I do not watch peer reviews, so if you have questions or comments, please contact me on my talk page. Yours, Ruhrfisch ><>°° 03:28, 8 October 2010 (UTC)[reply]

    • I could start a section on playing style, but I believe that was adequately summarised in the body. It may or may not have been directly stated. ~EDDY (talk/contribs/editor review)~ 01:13, 20 October 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Comments by David Fuchs
  • "His coach at St. George's High School, Darrel Sears, bribed him with fried chicken to teach Rolle the fundamentals of basketball. " His refers to Rolle, so Rolle's coach bribed Rolle with fried chicken to teach Rolle? This isn't clear grammatically and doesn't make much sense as written. Why was the coach bribing Rolle? To teach him basketball? He wasn't going to learn otherwise? You don't have space in the lead to clarify this so it might be better to simplify it instead.
  • The prose isn't at a professional level yet; one of the biggest issues is repetitious phrasing and redundant diction, e.g., "He eventually decided on LSU", "Despite these challenges, in Rolle's only year"
  • Most of the required areas have non-breaking spaces, but there are still a few missing throughout the article. (WP:NBSP).
  • I played basketball as a kid, so I know the general rules and such, but to me this article relies far too heavily on bluelinks for explanation of technical terms. Every article should be able to stand on its own by what's in the article; if I have to link away from a page, you're not doing your job as a writer and I'm not coming back to read the rest of it—that's just a fact of web usability. Dumb down or explain terms where they are necessary, axe them when they are not.
    • That's why we have links to article, every article does not need to stand on its own. Am I supposed to explain what a rebound is, what an assist is, what a field goal is, etc.?
  • I suggest you don't dismiss Finetooth's comments so readily. The redlinked newspapers are not important, and you aren't encouraging creation of links by sticking them in footnotes. The "High school and prep school career" table is unnecessary, whether it's in other articles is immaterial, and sticking external links in the table that way does fall afoul of a consistent referencing system that is part of WP:FA?.
    • Why are the newspapers not important? Also, there is nothing wrong with the table, it illustrate Rolle as a prospect. The referencing system is simply different, not against Wikipolicy. ~EDDY (talk/contribs/editor review)~ 00:23, 21 October 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • You can find an image. Asking copyright holders on Flickr or on fan sites is a tried-and-true method if you phrase it properly.

Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs(talk) 14:09, 8 October 2010 (UTC)[reply]

    • Alright, I'll ask around for images.
Retrieved from "https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Wikipedia:Peer_review/Magnum_Rolle/archive1&oldid=1166100441"