Wikipedia:Peer review/Burger King/archive2

Burger King[edit]

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I've listed this article for peer review because I have done some work on the article after its delisting from GA status. I need some suggestions so I can get this back to GA status.

Thanks, Jeremy (blah blah • I did it!) 07:32, 28 September 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Ruhrfisch comments: I would look very carefully at all of the GA review comments and make sure that they have been addressed. Thanks for your ongoing work on this article and, as requested, here are some suggestions for improvement.

Lead

Fixed - United States is generally not linked anymore , and is linked twice in the lead. Try to only add links that increase the reader’s understanding of the topic, or are subjects not generally known. A good rule of thumb is one link in the lead and one on first mention in body of the article – see WP:OVERLINK
Fixed - Do the founders’ names (Burns and Kramer) need to be in the lead? I think they are only mentioned once in the history section.
Fixed - Per the MOS, spell out billion on first use and indicate the abbreviation after in parentheses ‘’ On 2 September 2010, it was announced that the company had accepted a purchase offer from 3G Capital, a company backed by the Brazilian billionaires Jorge Paulo Lemann, Marcel Telles and Carlos Alberto Sicupira, in a deal valued at $3.26 billion (bn).’’
Fixed - ”there are” seems too vague in ‘’ At the end of fiscal year 2009, Burger King reported that there are more than 12,000 outlets in 73 countries; 66% are in the United States and 90% are privately owned and operated.’’ I would use “it has” i.e. ‘’ At the end of fiscal year 2009, Burger King reported that it has more than 12,000 outlets …’’
Fixed - Problem sentence (makes it sound as if others besides McLamore made major additions before this): ‘’ The Whopper, a sandwich that has since become Burger King's signature product, was the first major addition to the menu by McLamore in 1957.’’ I would rewrite this as something like “The first major addition to the menu was the Whopper, a sandwich developed by McLamore in 1957; it has since become Burger King's signature product.”
Fixed - I would avoid so-called Easter egg links if possible. I assumed the link was just to advertising in ‘’ The company's "Golden Age" of advertising was during the 1970s when it introduced its mascot the Magical Burger King,…’’ until I checked it. I would recast the sentence as something like “The “Golden Age” of Burger King advertising was during the 1970s…” or even just like “The 1970s were the “Golden Age” of Burger King advertising, when it …”
Fixed - Resuscitated seems like an odd word choice in ‘’ They completely reorganized Burger King's advertising with a series of new advertisements centered on a resuscitated Magical Burger King character.’’ Perhaps re-imagined or redesigned would work better?

References

I see a major problem with a lack of references in places. For most GAs and especially for FAs nowadays, the expectation is that pretty much every sentence is referenced. Now this can be just one ref at the end of a paragraph, but if there is a sentence or more after the last ref in a paragraph, then it is unreferenced. This is especially true for sentences with dates, figures (like numbers of restaurants or sales figures or monetary values), and anything that is not a transition to the following material or summary.
In just the History section, the last sentence of the first paragraph needs a ref (sale to Pillsbury), the last four sentences of the third paragraph (Diageo), and the last two sentences of the fourth paragraph (IPO). International operations, Legal issues, Charitable contributions and services, Products, and Advertising also all have sentences that seem to need refs.
The article could use some copyediting. I tired to point out many problems in the lead. Some sentences seem needlessly complex, such as While BK began its foray in to locations outside of the continental United States in 1963 with a store in San Juan, Puerto Rico, it did not have a large international presence. This either needs some sort of time qualifier after "international presence" (until YEAR), or else it is a tautology (until it expanded outside the US, of course it did not have any international presence at all).

Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Wikipedia:Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). I do not watch peer reviews, so if you have questions or comments, please contact me on my talk page. Yours, Ruhrfisch _><>°^° 21:45, 9 October 2010 (UTC)[reply]