Wikipedia:Featured article candidates/Whip It (Devo song)/archive1

The following is an archived discussion of a featured article nomination. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the article's talk page or in Wikipedia talk:Featured article candidates. No further edits should be made to this page.

The article was archived by Ian Rose via FACBot (talk) 06:57, 29 July 2018 [1].

Whip It (Devo song)[edit]

Nominator(s): Famous Hobo (talk) 16:06, 4 July 2018 (UTC)[reply]

This article is about the 1980 song Whip It, which most people think was about BDSM or masturbation. Now that I have your attention, I'd like you to check out this compact article on a quirky yet surprisingly vital song in the new wave music movement, and a personal favorite of mine. This article has received a peer review and has been copyedited by the Guild of Copyeditors, so I believe it is finally ready. Any and all comments are appreciated! Famous Hobo (talk) 16:06, 4 July 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Comments by Aoba47[edit]

I would reword this part (that is featured on the band's third album Freedom of Choice (1980).) to simply (from their third album Freedom of Choice (1980).). My suggested revision avoids the unnecessary repetition of the word “band”, and I do not believe that “featured” is necessary as you could argue that any song included on album is “featured”.
You do not mention that this song was released as a single in the lead. Also, could you clarify in the lead and the body of the article that the song was the second single from the album?
I have two comments for this sentence (Lead vocalist Mark Mothersbaugh wrote the song's distinctive riff, which was based on the riff in Roy Orbison song "Oh, Pretty Woman".). 1) I would avoid the repetition of the word “riff” and 2) I take issue with the use of the word “distinctive”. Distinctive according to who? It borders on Wikipedia:PEACOCK in my opinion, and I would suggest removing it.
I am confused by this sentence ("Whip It" was not expected to be a hit because of its nonstandard tempo and strange lyrics.). Who did not expect it to be a hit? Also who felt that the song has a “nonstandard tempo” or “strange lyrics”?
For this sentence (Peaking at number fourteen on the Billboard Hot 100, "Whip It" became a major hit and found chart success in several countries.), I would avoid the phrase “a major hit” as it is too informal. I would also avoid the phrase “hit single” in the body of the article as that is also too informal.
For this sentence (An accompanying music video depicts these sexual themes), clarify what you mean by “these sexual themes”.
For this sentence (In recent years, several journalists have described "Whip It”), clarify what you mean by “recent years”.
Revise this part (In the band's forty-year history, "Whip It" remains the only song by Devo to peak), to (In Devo’s forty-year history, “Whip It” remains their only song to peak).
For this part (As a result, Devo is often labeled as a one-hit wonder.), again clarify who is doing this action? I am assuming that it is music critics/commentators.
Link Devo on the first use in the body of the article.
For the first two sentences of the “Background and recording” section, avoid the reptition of the word “band” in such close proximity. Same goes for the word “formulaic”.
Is this sentence (The band members believed a hit single would bolster the next album's popularity and finally give them radio exposure.) really necessary? I think that any artist would say that a successful single would increase popularity and radio play.
For this sentence (In late 1979, audio engineer Robert Margouleff was brought on to produce "Whip It" and its parent album Freedom of Choice.), clarify that the album was released in 1980.
For this part (Throughout the song there are), add a comma between “song” and “there”.
For this sentence (Mothersbaugh created the main riff in "Whip It" by taking the riff used in Roy Orbison's song "Oh, Pretty Woman" and changing the ending slightly), avoid the use of the the word “riff” twice in the same sentence.
For this part (and layered them to create smooth, consistent time signature), it should be “a smooth, consistent time signature”.
I am uncertain about the audio caption, particularly the use of the word “defined” in the sentence (The song is defined by its motorik beat and seemingly nonsensical lyrics about "whipping it”.). Defined according to who?
I would clarify the year that Gravity’s Rainbow was released?
This is just a suggestion, but wouldn’t it be better to have a GIF for the music video screenshot instead of a static image to better illustrate the caption?
I am confused by this sentence (Devo's members has never tried to distance themselves from "Whip It" and as of 2018 still play it live.) as I did not see anything before this about claims that they had tried to distance themselves from the song.
I am confused by this sentence (Both musicians are wearing Devo's distinctive yellow janitorial suits and energy domes.), particularly the use of the word “distinctive’. Distinctive according to who?

Good work with the article. I have honestly never heard of this song before. Once my comments are addressed, I will look through it again. Aoba47 (talk) 03:48, 8 July 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Just wondering if you have addressed these points? Aoba47 (talk) 00:56, 18 July 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Closing note: This candidate has been archived, but there may be a delay in bot processing of the close. Please see WP:FAC/ar, and leave the {{featured article candidates}} template in place on the talk page until the bot goes through. Ian Rose (talk) 06:57, 29 July 2018 (UTC)[reply]

The above discussion is preserved as an archive. Please do not modify it. No further edits should be made to this page.