Wikipedia:Featured article candidates/Dromedary/archive1

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The following is an archived discussion of a featured article nomination. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the article's talk page or in Wikipedia talk:Featured article candidates. No further edits should be made to this page.

The article was not promoted by Maralia 13:39, 14 November 2012 [1].

Dromedary[edit]

Dromedary (edit | talk | history | protect | delete | links | watch | logs | views)

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Nominator(s): Sainsf <^>Talk all words 14:07, 8 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]

I am nominating this for featured article because I feel this is a comprehensive and detailed article. It is well-referenced and a GA. I would love to have more useful comments from editors so that it becomes an FA. Thank you. Sainsf <^>Talk all words 14:07, 8 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Oppose. Sorry, the article lacks the polish and attention to detail I would expect of an FAC candidate. A full listing of the issues would make this more like a peer review. Some examples only:

  • "Coats varies largely in colour," grammar error
Fixed.
  • "The notable hump is fat bound together by fibrous tissue, measuring 20 cm (7.9 in)." so is it the hump or the fibrous tissue that measures 20 cm?
Fixed. It is the hump.
  • "dry grasses and desert vegetation - mainly thorny plants." should be an endash, not a hyphen
Done.
  • "Herds can consist of about 20 individuals, led by a dominant male and containing several females." grammar
Fixed.
  • "Predators in the wild include wolves, lions and tigers. They use a wide set of vocalizations to communicate with other camels." The predators communicate with the camels?? This is the first of three sentences that conspicuously begin with "They"
Fixed.
  • "The world's only population of dromedaries exhibiting wild behavior is an introduced feral population in Australia." So the domesticated populations exhibit no wild behaviours? Or is the message that there is only one non-domesticated population?
This was an improper and irrelevant fact, so I have replaced it with the fact on total domesticated population.
  • "The wool is also used in various purposes." This sentence is vague enough to be almost useless, so I checked the article to see what the wool is used for, but there doesn't seem to be any discussion about this.
I have removed it from the lead, does not seem relevant enough as other uses do.
  • inconsistent use of American or British English
Fixed into B.E.
  • the references also need to be polished. From a quick glance I see issues like:
  • inconsistent author display (e.g. E. Mukasa-Mugerwa vs. Potts, D. T. vs. Sambraus, HH)
Fixed
  • unitalicized species' names in article titles
Fixed
  • inconsistent use of title or sentence case for journal article and book titles
Fixed
  • inconsistent page range formats (e.g. 143–165 vs. 335–8)
Fixed
  • some book sources list publisher locations, others don't
Fixed

If you can quickly whip the article into shape, I'd be happy to do a full review. Sasata (talk) 15:54, 8 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for your comments. I did not get any helpful comments on the PR, sorry about my mistakes. So I shall work on your comments right away. Please inform whatever problems you find, I shall gladly fix them. Sainsf <^>Talk all words 13:31, 9 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from Kitchen Roll.

  • "The dromedary camel is the second largest member of the camel family after the larger Bactrian camel." ==> "The dromedary camel is the second largest member of the camel family after the Bactrian camel."
Done.
  • The first two sentences of the article begin with "The dromedary camel" and the third includes "dromedary". This needs to be varied.
The article mostly uses "dromedary", so I used "dromedary" in the second line. It should remain in the first to show the animal is a camel.
  • The lead comprises of very short sentences, I suggest merging some. Also look for short sentences throughout the article and merge them.
  • "It feeds on foliage, dry grasses and desert vegetation – mainly thorny plants. Dromedaries readily feed on Acacia, Artiplex and Salsola species." Definitely merge these sentences, as well as removing one of the "feeds".
Done.
  • The second paragraph is under-linked. For example, any animal mentioned, areas in which they live (desert), eyelashes is linked in the main body, but not here etc.
I did not wish to have duplicate links, but if you say I shall link them twice.
  • By describing the dromedary's habitat as "intermediate" does this mean these camels can live in both environments, or just something inbetween? This needs to be more clear.
Done.
  • "Earlier the dromedary and Bactrian camel were considered the same species". Earlier is vague, when exactly?
The source does not mention the time, nor does any other source. Could we have a rewording, something like "Macedonian philosopher Aristotle was the first European to recognize the Bactrian camel and dromedary as different species, and has defined them as one-humped and two-humped in his book History of Animals" ?
  • "However, there is 10.3% of difference between the species found in a mitochondrial analysis."==> "However, mitochondrial analysis shows the species are differentiated by 10.3%."
Done.
  • "fetus" should be linked.
Done.
  • "... slightly indented to a side or a small and a large hump." Needs rewording; it's not clear.
Done.
  • "These hybrids have more strength and size compared to their parents - they can bear more load and thus are more useful." Em dash, not hyphen
Done.
  • "The oldest and also the smallest known camel, Protylopus, occurred in the upper Eocene in North America." ==> "The extinct Protylopus, which occurred in the upper Eocene in North America, is both the oldest smallest camel known."
Done.
  • "Siberia" needs a link.
Done.
  • "Camelus species ranged much far south in Africa, and in the northern area remains of C. thomasi have been found." First part of the sentence doesn't make sense and the northern area of what?
Done. It means northern Africa.
  • "The dromedary has a possible origin from Arabia, hence its name Arabian camel." ==> "It is possible the dromedary had origins in Arabia and is therefore sometimes referred to as the Arabian camel."
Done.
  • "A jawbone of a dromedary was found from the southern Red Sea coast of Saudi Arabia, whose radiocarbon date was 8200 BP, and calibrated date was 7100-7200 BC." ==> "A jawbone of a dromedary, whose radiocarbon date was 8200 BP and calibrated date 7100-7200 BC, was found on the southern coast of the Red Sea in Saudi Arabia."
Done.
  • "... but the book was composed at a later time, and the information can not be taken as true." ==> "... but the book was composed at a later time, so the information can not be corroborated."
Done.
  • "Scholars have dated the spread of dromedaries to the first centuries AD, and evidently before the arrival of the Romans." Why is this "evidently"? Is it possible to provide the date of the arrival of the Romans?
Removed, redundant word.
  • "In the mid-seventh century, the dromedary was first used in warfare when Achaemenid king Cyrus the Great made use of these animals while fighting with king Croesus of Lydia in 547 BC." ==> "In the mid-seventh century, the dromedary was first used in warfare when the Achaemenid king, Cyrus the Great, made use of these animals while fighting with king Croesus of Lydia in 547 BC."
Done.
  • Why is Syria not linked in its first occurrence in the article?
Sorry, forgot to. Done.
  • "They were also used in the eastern provinces of Egypt, Arabia, Judaea, Syria, Cappadocia, and Mesopotamia." ==> "They were also used for the same means in the eastern provinces of Egypt, Arabia, Judaea, Syria, Cappadocia, and Mesopotamia."
Done.
  • "Numerous camels were imported into Australia between 1840 and 1907 to open up the arid areas of central and western Australia, and were used mainly for riding and transportation." ==> "Numerous camels were imported into Australia between 1840 and 1907 to open up the arid areas of central and western parts of the country, and were used mainly for riding and transportation."
Done.
  • "... descendants of domesticated camels that were released or ran away on their own." Citation needed.
Removed as it was unsourced.
  • "Dromedaries were first domesticated in central or southern Arabia. Experts believe it happened around 4000 years ago on the Arabian peninsula." ==> "Dromedaries were first domesticated in central or southern Arabia, which experts believe happened around 4000 years ago on the Arabian peninsula."
Done.
  • "Male dromedaries have a soft palate, which they inflate to produce a deep pink sack, which is often mistaken for a tongue, called a doula in Arabic, hanging out of the sides of their mouths to attract females during the mating season." ==> Sentence needs rewording to remove one of the "which"s and it's not clear from this whether the tongue is "called a doula" or the "soft palate".
I have split the sentence, now it seems clear.
  • "The dromedary has two toes on each foot, appearing like flat, leathery pads." ==> "The dromedary has two toes on each foot, which resemble flat, leathery pads."
Done.
  • "The hump is of fat bound together by fibrous tissue. It can be 20 cm (7.9 in) or more." ==> "The hump, which can be 20 cm (7.9 in) or more, is made up of fat bound together by fibrous tissue." Also is it 20 cm (7.9 in) in diameter, high, long. What does this measure?
It is that much in height. Done.
  • "They show remarkable adaptability in body temperature, from 34°C to 41.7°C,. This is an adaptation to conserve water." ==> They can adapt their body temperature from from 34°C to 41.7°C to conserve water."
Done.

I have reviewed the article up until the anatomy section. Once they are addressed I will continue the review.  Kitchen Roll  (Exchange words) 11:10, 10 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you for your comments. I have replied to each. Sainsf <^>Talk all words 02:49, 11 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • Overlinking There are at least 15 repeated links in the body of the text, excluding the lead and captions. I would question whether you need even one link for "sand", it's pretty obvious. Personally I wouldn't link countries either, but that's not a big deal Jimfbleak - talk to me? 10:47, 12 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
I have fixed as many as I could find. Sainsf <^>Talk all words 13:46, 12 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • Drive by The writing strikes me as generally a bit sloppy. I just glanced at The dromedary was first described by Carl Linnaeus, a Swedish botanist, physician, and zoologist, in 1758. It is a member of the genus Camelus and the family Camelidae — The family is incorrectly italicised, there is an implication that he gave it the family name (his group was Pecora (cattle)), you don't name his great work, and you don't say that he gave this camel its current binomial name (not a given since many of his names were modified as taxonomy developed). "First described" is clearly incorrect as written, we know Aristotle (at least) described it. I also thought the chronology 1758-1982-Aristotle-Pliocene was confusing. Jimfbleak- talk to me? 11:04, 12 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
I see now, the camel was described by Aristotle and named by Linnaeus. Now I have mentioned these things properly. I could not get the meaning of the great work you want me to mention. If you feel the writing sloppy through the article, please help improve it, as I am not a native English speaker and can't do much. Sainsf <^>Talk all words 13:46, 12 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • Drive by 2 Why is this written in AE when the English-speaking countries in the range use BE? Inappropriate variety of English Jimfbleak - talk to me? 11:21, 12 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
Fine, I have turned it into BE. Please fix if you find more. Sainsf <^>Talk all words 13:46, 12 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • I made these edits. I think you are expecting too much of your reviewers, FAC is supposed to be the final polishing of an article, not starting from scratch. It's not your English ability that's a problem, it's bringing it here without a copyedit or peer review, and then saying "fix my writing". I checked only for AE "color" and "meter" and found several unfixed examples of just these two. It just needs more care (why is it always "in colour" rather than just giving the colour?). I'm interested in the topic, but I'm reluctant to do a full review because it seems likely be a lot of work. On a more positive note, let me know if you want the duplicate links detector script Jimfbleak - talk to me? 07:24, 13 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Oppose by Maralia - This article is in decent shape, but it reads as though it was written by a non-native speaker. Examples:

  • "males splash their urine on their tails and nearer regions."
  • "saves water by avoiding perspiration at the rise of the external temperature"
  • " The oval red blood cells, unique to the dromedaries, help them survive"
  • " If the hump is small, the animal can show signs of starvation"
  • "as both the sexes are much different in their appearances"
  • "which is almost impossible for most of other mammals"
  • "This prevents the dromedary from sinking much into the sand."
  • "Its diet includes foliage and desert vegetation, like thorny plants, and eats Acacia, Artiplex and Salsola species whenever available."
  • " The wool produce of a herd"
  • "The dromedary meat is a good source of food"
  • "The dromedary milk was studied"
  • "Now-a-days camel meat is processed into food items"

There are other problems that also indicate the article is not quite there yet:

  • Wikilinking: Aristotle is not wikilinked until the last time mentioned in the article. Pelage is wikilinked to coat (animal) rather than pelage or fur to which it redirects. In the sentence "The dromedary is the second largest member of the camel family after the Bactrian camel", 'second largest' is wikilinked to largest organisms#Mammals which is not relevant to the statement.
  • Style: Please use commas in large numbers throughout the article.
  • Clarity: The article asserts that "Dromedaries have [...] the unique ability of closing their nostrils to face sandstorms", but this is not unique. The sentence "The dromedaries are beneficial as beasts of burden, and their docility and toughness compared to cattle are additional advantages" is confusing because cattle are more typically draft animals, used for pulling rather than carrying.
  • Sourcing: The single book listed in the Bibliography is not cited a single time in the references. The Gauthier-Pilters cite does not list a page number, nor does the Fowler cite, the Kaegi cite, the Pastoret cite, or Bromiley cite (for which the work name is misspelled).

A comprehensive copyedit by a native speaker is in order here. Maralia (talk) 20:00, 13 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Note: This FAC has been withdrawn by request of the nominator. Maralia (talk) 13:37, 14 November 2012 (UTC)[reply]

The above discussion is preserved as an archive. Please do not modify it. No further edits should be made to this page.
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