Talk:Yoko Ono/GA3
GA Review[edit]
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Reviewer: XXSNUGGUMSXX (talk) 20:20, 11 April 2014 (UTC)
- Prose
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- Lead
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- Given her frequent collaborations with son Sean, I'd add him to associated acts
- The opening sentence is rather lengthy. Try splitting it into something like "Yoko Ono *insert Japanese characters* (born February 18, 1933) is a Japanese artist, singer-songwriter, and peace activist. She is the second wife and widow of John Lennon."
- Early life and family
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- This entire first paragraph should be rewritten. Try something like "Yoko Ono was born in Tokyo on February 18, 1933. She is the daughter of banker/pianist Eisuke Ono and Isoko Yasuda. Eisuke came from a family of samurai warriors. Isoko's paternal grandfather Yasuda Zenjirō was the founder of Yasuda zaibatsu. The kanji translation of Ono's first name Yoko means 'ocean child'." Done I've made this section more clear but does it say anywhere as a Wiki guideline that the father HAS be mentioned before the mother? How important is this? Because as you know, the mother carries most of the physical burden of pregnancy and childbirth so I'd like to mention Isoko first.--Aichik (talk) 21:19, 18 April 2014 (UTC)
- The second paragraph should also be rewritten. Try something like "Two weeks before Yoko's birth, Eisuke was transferred to San Francisco by the Yokohama Specie Bank. The rest of the family followed soon after, with Yoko meeting Eisuke when she was two. Her younger brother Keisuke was born in December 1936. In 1937, the family was transferred back to Japan and Ono was enrolled at Tokyo's Gakushuin (also known as the Peers School)."
- I'd also merge the first and second paragraphs into one.
- Not done I respectfully disagree. There are alot of foreign names in here, making it dense for non-Japanese readers.--Aichik (talk) 18:39, 17 April 2014 (UTC)
- In third paragraph, "Her father was transferred in 1941" → "Eisuke was transferred in 1941"
- In fourth paragraph, "taunted her and her brother" → "taunted her and Keisuke"
- New York
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- College and downtown beginnings
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- "she enrolled in nearby Sarah Lawrence College" → "she enrolled nearby at Sarah Lawrence College"
- Done Not sure why this is more correct but I've changed it.--Aichik (talk) 18:42, 17 April 2014 (UTC)
- "While her parents approved of her college choice, they were dismayed at her ensuing lifestyle, and, according to Ono, chastised her for befriending people they considered to be 'beneath' her" would read better as something like "Ono said her parents disapproved of her lifestyle at Sarah Lawrence and chastised her for befriending people they found to be 'beneath' her".
- Done--Aichik (talk) 18:42, 17 April 2014 (UTC)
- The "Toshi Ichiyanagi, Anthony and Kyoko Cox" section would be better titled as "Motherhood"
- The UK and John Lennon
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- This section is better off simply titled "John Lennon" Done Agreed. Hardly anything in here about the UK.--Aichik (talk) 18:39, 17 April 2014 (UTC)
- The last paragraph before "Bed-Ins and other early collaborations" should be rewritten and merged into the previous paragraph. Try something like "Lennon wrote and recorded 'Happiness is a Warm Gun,' on September 24 and 25, 1968, which contains sexual references towards Ono. A few weeks after Lennon's divorce from Cynthia was granted, Ono became pregnant though suffered a miscarriage on November 21, 1968."
- The Plastic Ono Band
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- The last sentence should be merged into the first paragraph. Done Agreed.Italic text
- First solo album and Fly
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- The image in this should be moved down into "New York: separation from Lennon and reunion" so it doesn't overlap.
- Not done Don't understand the issue.--Aichik (talk) 18:39, 17 April 2014 (UTC)
- The sentence "The most famous track from the album is probably 'Don't Worry, Kyoko (Mummy's Only Looking for Her Hand in the Snow)', an ode to Ono's missing daughter, featuring Eric Clapton on guitar." from the second paragraph is simply speculation. I'd remove it. Done--Aichik (talk) 18:39, 17 April 2014 (UTC)
- I'd merge the second paragraph into the first or third paragraph. Done--Aichik (talk) 18:39, 17 April 2014 (UTC)
- Artwork
- Sourcing
- As a general note, the "Allmusic" and "Allmusic.com" refs should read "AllMusic". This applies in multiple sections. Also, there are a few references which link to this article itself. They shouldn't do that.
- 2000s
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- ref#113 should read The Independent rather than Daily Post. This ref should also be outside of the parentheses.
- Not done Put the reference outside the parentheses but source is stated as Daily Post. Where did you find that it was from the Independent?--Aichik (talk) 17:43, 18 April 2014 (UTC)
- ref#115 (Chicago Sun-Times) comes off as a questionable source. Replace with something more reliable.
- Done Not replacing, merely added a second. The Chicago Sun-Times is a reliable daily.--Aichik (talk) 17:43, 18 April 2014 (UTC)
- Political activism and social media
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- ref#150 should be outside of the parentheses and replaced with a more reliable source. Done
- ref#155 should also be outside of the parentheses. Done
- ref#162 should be replaced with a more reliable source Done
- ref#163 should be filled (it is currently just a bare URL) Done--Aichik (talk) 17:43, 18 April 2014 (UTC)
- This has several dead refs as indicated here.
- Coverage
- 2010s
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- This should be expanded beyond two sentences so it isn't just a stubby paragraph
- Done
- Neutrality
- Stability
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- No problems here