Talk:Scar (The Lion King)/GA1

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Reviewer: Quenhitran (talk · contribs) 09:57, 12 September 2014 (UTC)[reply]

I'll take up this one. Keep in mind that the review might be relatively short since I often do simple fixes by myself. —ALittleQuenhi (talk to me) 09:57, 12 September 2014 (UTC)[reply]


Lead
  • Annoying repetition of "The Lion King" in the first paragraph.
  • Removed the second The Lion King. Changed to simply "Scar is voiced by English actor Jeremy Irons, while his singing voice is provided by both Irons and American actor Jim Cummings." Left the sequels untouched as they're completely new titles.--Changedforbetter (talk) 16:15, 12 September 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "The film's main antagonist, Scar was created..." - add "as" at the beginning.
  • "Originally first-in-line to Mufasa's throne until his nephew Simba is born heir apparent to Mufasa and Queen Sarabi, by whom the character is inevitably replaced, a power-mad Scar decides to lead a Nazi-like army of hyenas in plotting against his family, committing both regicide and fratricide by murdering Mufasa and exiling Simba, ultimately blaming his virtuous brother's death on his innocent nephew." Too complicated sentence with so many clauses. Please split it in two
    • "Originally first-in-line to Mufasa's throne until his nephew Simba is born heir apparent to Mufasa and Queen Sarabi, by whom the character is inevitably replaced" should be the first one and changed to "Originally first-in-line to Mufasa's throne until replaced by his nephew Simba, who is born heir apparent to Mufasa and Queen Sarabi."
    • The second sentence: "Nazi-like, regicide, fratricide?" Obvious original research. Please remove them.
  • Done and removed, but I believe this editor was simply trying to allude to the fact that Scar's hyenas are, in fact, based on Hitler's Nazi's, cited in the "Conception" section.--Changedforbetter (talk) 16:15, 12 September 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "At the time a recent Academy Award-winner, Irons was initially quite hesitant to voice an animated character." Unnecessary while making the lead too long. Remove it if it has already been mentioned in the body.
  • Done. Also took the liberty of removing the image of Hitler from the "Conception" section as I deemed it an unnecessary use of the image; it's not like Scar's appearance was based on him.
Development
  • "A patronizing quality" why capitalized?
  • Same thing: "Hesitant to jump from a dramatic role to an animated feature". If it was a matter of a quote, you may use [h] and [a] to indicate that it was altered from the originals
  • One more instance "that "Stunt singing" is actually something the actor"
  • "Originally, American actor Tom Hulce and English actor Malcolm McDowell were both considered..." is it necessary to emphasize this with "both"?
  • Please rearrange "Prior to The Lion King, Irons was famous for starring as several villains and antagonists in live-action films "geared towards adults." Although he had starred in a children's film before, the actor admitted that it did not mirror the success of The Lion King." Move it up before "The Lion King has since become notorious for its cast of well-known..."
  • "Critics observed that the actor sounded as though he "must have..." There's only one source, why would we use "critics"... Please name the source or the author directly
  • In my opinion this quote, a critic's opinion, doesn't quite belong in the character's "Development" section and is more suitable for is "Reception" section. Simply removed.--Changedforbetter (talk) 16:35, 12 September 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Because Irons' physical appearance and mannerisms served as inspiration for Scar's supervising animator Andreas Deja, Deja was consequentially inspired to animate the character flicking his paw in disgust." Don't use "Because"! Change it to "Irons' physical appearance and mannerisms served as inspiration for Scar's supervising animator Andreas Deja, namely his flicking his paw in disgust." or something similar.
  • In the first and second paragraph of "Design and characterization", I think the name Deja was repeated too many times.
  • Easy fix. Replaced some Dejas with a few pronouns here and there.--Changedforbetter (talk) 23:47, 13 September 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Because Scar, the only lion in the film to have visible claws,[22] is an animal..." weird wording/arrangement :)
Appearances
  • "Scar reveals that his absence was due to the fact that he is dissatisfied with the fact that,..." repetition of "the fact that"
  • "Simba is, however, rescued by Mufasa who returns Simba to safety," the latter relative clause is redundant.
  • "Mufasa is unable to pull himself up the steep slope so safety..." I'm not sure about the use of "so safety" (kind of redundant)?
  • "Aided by his childhood Nala, a wise baboon named Rafiki and his wise-cracking friends Timon and Pumbaa, Simba storms Pride Rock, forcing Scar to admit to the pride that he has been lying all these years and that he, in fact, killed Mufasa, initiating a grueling battle between the lionesses, now led by Simba, and Scar's hyenas." Can you split this sentence into two? I think it's a bit long.
  • "Having recently betrayed his loyal hyena followers while being confronted by Simba, blaming Mufasa's death on them, Scar is eaten by his own army of hyenas and dies."
    • The first verse is confusing in my opinion. It should be changed to "When confronted by Simba, Scar blamed Mufasa's death on his loyal hyena followers; and his betrayal led to his being eaten by his own army of hyenas." or something like that.
    • If Scar is eaten, of course he dies :) (something's redundant here)
  • One more instance "Meanwhile, a vengeful Zira trains Kovu to murder Simba, but he has a change of heart as he begins to develop feelings for Kiara, much to Simba's initial chagrin, who distrusts him due to his prior association with Scar." Including too many clauses in a sentence may make it hard for the readers to follow
Reception and legacy
  • "Scar has garnered widespread critical acclaim, receiving universally positive reviews from film critics who also awarded Irons' performance with equal enthusiasm." I think if we already have a separate paragraph regarding Iron's, the latter clause is redundant.
  • "Scar [proves himself..." ']' missing
  • Hmmmm sorry I just can't seem to find this. Where is this in the article exactly?--Changedforbetter (talk) 23:13, 13 September 2014 (UTC)[reply]

I'd love to see an "External links" section at the end of the article, if possible.

  • I would honestly love that to as well but I just can't seem to find any external links that aren't fan-related.--Changedforbetter (talk) 04:09, 14 September 2014 (UTC)[reply]

That's it. The article is of very high quality, so I concentrated more on minor fixes rather than making comments on each criteria. Once everything mentioned above is fixed I'll pass this. —ALittleQuenhi (talk to me) 16:04, 13 September 2014 (UTC)[reply]

  • Thank you I worked really hard on it. I think I've responded to all points. The verdict is yours.--Changedforbetter (talk) 04:10, 14 September 2014 (UTC)[reply]

OK, now GA. Congratulations! I'm sorry that you've had to wait for so long (since the beginning of August). Ah, don't forget to nominate it for a DYK entry. I think there are quite a few interesting facts. —ALittleQuenhi (talk to me) 15:29, 14 September 2014 (UTC)[reply]

  • Lol it's all good I was definitely keeping myself busy working on other articles while waiting for a reviewer to approach this one so I barely noticed the wait. Thanks for everything and I will definitely be looking into this "Did You Know" thing.--Changedforbetter (talk) 03:05, 15 September 2014 (UTC)[reply]
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